currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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