Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
