rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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