I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
