I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
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