We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
