Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
