I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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