I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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