There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize