i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
