why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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