So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
