I faked an abortion last night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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