shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
