If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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