You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
