i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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