That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
