Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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