Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
