the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
