ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
