why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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