so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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