theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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