textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Randomize
