I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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