I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
