He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
