Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
