Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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