the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
