Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
