remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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