The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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