But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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