it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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