i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
