alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
