My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
