You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
