the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
