I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
