I will die if light touches me.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
