Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say