Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
