I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
