She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
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We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
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Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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