You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
