he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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