a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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